Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
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I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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