the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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