Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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