I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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