I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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