I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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