Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
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Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
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I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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