There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
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My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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