"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
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You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
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My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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