Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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