My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
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who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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