I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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