i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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