I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We're like a lot better than the average bears
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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