I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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