my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
