My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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