just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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