I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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