Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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