she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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