the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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