We need to start having sex underwater more often.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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