dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
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please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize