I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize