Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
