He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
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