I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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