I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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