Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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