All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
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I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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