Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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