you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
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the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
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going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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