i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
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The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
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If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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