i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize