You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize