Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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