.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
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When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
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Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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