when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize