Pappa wants mamma naked
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize