Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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