There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom said you looked used
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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