Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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