The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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