I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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