Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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