I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
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his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
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I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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