i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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