I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found puke in my bra..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
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Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
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I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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