I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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